Man Guide - Help

[Pellegrinisaurus]

"When are you having a testosterone party?" by partner's best friend text him.

Unbelievably, the thought hadn't even occurred to us. I might hate the woman, but it's a fantastic idea.

A few weeks ago there was a debacle where a peripheral friend held a baby shower for a less peripheral friend and guests were invited based on their gender identities rather than the closenss of their relationships, resulting in most of my partner's close friends going, along with several randoms who barely know the new mother, whilst he was excluded. It was a painful 'celebration' of a contrived concept of 'motherhood' and 'femininity', and the closer friends confided in us just how awkward the whole experience was.

Throwing a testosterone party sounds like the perfect antidote, but I need advice on how to maximise the manliness. Beer is a given; going into Autumn a barbeque doesn't seem likely; we don't really have the funds to go somewhere where it's legal to shoot stuff but perhaps I could invest in a couple of Nerf guns or something...

What would you say is important to make this the most masculine party ever? Do you know any websites where I can find a cliched, testosterone-fuelled man guide?

Also, do you know any websites where I can buy decent quality but not too expensive facial hair, that'll ship to the UK?

[Megadarkalosaurchild]

Every party I've ever thrown is the manliest party ever. Meat, beer, pizza in the back burner for later, drinking torture (eg "drink or die", a game where someone wears a gas mask and alcohol is poured into the top of it)
a garden for wrestling/real fighting if it goes that way and several medkits/fire extinguishers just in case. Last one of my parties someone broke an arm on the slip n slide and two guys head butted each other unconscious, via the trampoline.
I inevitably end up wrestling on the grass with somebody whos also trained in mma/dumb as fuck and my wife goes somewhere else for the night. And nakedness. People that pussy out and fall asleep normally get scrotums to the face and various bits of them violated.

But you might not want "squaddie" manly lol.

Darkchild

[Pellegrinisaurus]

Hmm, bearing in mind most of the attendees (if not all) will be biologically female, certain elements could prove anatomically challenging...

...the meat's a good suggestion, though.

[Megadarkalosaurchild]

Well you can do everything except sword fighting and teabagging. I see no issue here

Alternatively you can sit around watching football moaning about women and talking about cars, which is what most "men" get up to whenever I've been invited to a civvy house party.
I hate humans.

Darkchild

[Pellegrinisaurus]

Aha! Objectifying women! Of course! In fact, I think I even have an FHM deck of cards somewhere to play poker with...

[Just Lorek]

Manliest party theme I can think of is to get a bunch of lumber, tools, nails, etc all together and half-ass build a deck or some shit. Overbuild parts of it, skimp on the railings/steps, and end up mounting the damn thing in a tree using a pulley, a rope and a car.

[Dickfor]

And moustaches. Can't forget the moustaches.

And scotch and cigars.

[syaireba]

Sept 17, 2012 12:57:11 GMT -5 Just Lorek said:

Manliest party theme I can think of is to get a bunch of lumber, tools, nails, etc all together and half-ass build a deck or some shit. Overbuild parts of it, skimp on the railings/steps, and end up mounting the damn thing in a tree using a pulley, a rope and a car.

Drunk, as my wife points out. Safety first, kids!

[Megadarkalosaurchild]

You can have a party not drunk?

Darkchild

[Sköяpÿn̈ekømimi]

BBQ. Lots of meat, little if any salad. All crispy on the outside, steaks half-raw. If you can't get away with it due to the weather, then just cook it indoors. Maybe fry or grill everything, serve with chips. Big, chunky chips.
Maybe paintballing. There's sides all over the place. Team games are totally manly.
Music choice is important. None of that girly 80s shit. Metal, cheesy motivational songs, etc. I can supply if you don't mind a USB drive/SD cards in the post.
Beer! A big box or two of it. Don't buy Stella, it tastes like piss. Cider is an acceptable substitute.

Also, VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES. Halo, Burnout, maybe fighting games, and possibly guitar hero/rock band if you have it.
Maybe movies about fast cars and robots and explosions, possibly all at once?

[syaireba]

When my buddies Jared and Jim broke up with their exes several years ago (Jim's now married and Jared is getting married next month) they moved into Jim's house. Large screen TV, sectional couch, Kegerator, every gaming system, a grill and a batting cage in the back. Oh, and lots of toys. Uber.

[Pellegrinisaurus]

Lots of great suggestions; thanks folks!

There's a balance to strike here between making it as manly as possible and still making it fun for those attending... One of the girls whose house we're probably going to use (because it's bigger than ours) is vegan (although she's generally okay with us cooking/eating meat there), neither my partner or I drink alcohol, and he doesn't like manly films with cowboys, spies and/or explosions but prefers chick flicks.

Closest I can probably get him to watch are:
- Red State (guns and the FBI and Kevin Smith and I LOVE THIS FILM *ahem*)
- Resident Evil (guns and zombies... and Milla Jovovich)
- Zombieland (more guns and zombies... and Bill Murray)
- Sin City (guns and Frank Miller-ness)
Possibly:
- Hellboy (guns and Mike Mignola-ness)
- Snatch/Lock Stock (guns and British gangsters)
- Pulp Fiction/Reservoir Dogs (guns and Quentin Tarantino-ness)
- V for Vendetta (uh, not sure there are any guns in this one... and Alan Moore-ness... sort of)

He would watch Millon Dollar Baby or Unleashed, but despite all the fighting they've less manly plots underneath (the former makes me cry, the latter I've sold to people through 'ignore the cover and the blurb, it's actually a really sweet film').

...but at the end of the day, if is a party for fake/superficial/pseudo-manliness, intended to mock social constructions of gender, so maybe it's okay if not all the guests eat meat, some of the beer is Cobra/Bavaria 0.0%, and the violent action films aren't quite what they claim to be...

Any thoughts on a film short-list from those twelve? Are any definitly in or definitly out?

[Hellfury]

Language is also important.

Females = Fuckin' Bitches (as in "Gawdamn stoopid fuckin' bitches")
Your friends of any gender = Fuckin' Bitches (as in "Gawdamn stoopid fuckin' bitches")
Food = Fuckin' Shit (as in "Hold on a sec while I take a bite of this fuckin' shit")
If something is yours, it's stuff. (as in "Get outta my stuff")
If something belongs to somone else it is shit. (as in "Move your fuckin' shit")

Grab your crotch a lot. The testes need to be readjusted constantly as they get crammed in your jeans or stick to your leg or robotic appendage.

I recommend prosthetic testicles for authenticity when teabagging those who your other guy friends pin down.

All around naked agression in general.

[Hellfury]

These:
- Snatch/Lock Stock (guns and British gangsters)
- Pulp Fiction/Reservoir Dogs (guns and Quentin Tarantino-ness)
- The Gangs of New York (Only the fight scenes or when Daniel Day-Lewis is acting as the Butcher)
- The Expenables (every man icon worth noting in one film)
- The Big Lebowski (this is a man test, if you hate it then you fail, your man card revoked)

Not these:
French Kiss
My Left Leg
Chocolate

Maybe these:
Assmasters 9000
Harry Poke-Her
When Harry Fucked Sally
Lord of the Dongs

[Dickfor]

What about "Pirates!"?

Also, "From Dusk Til Dawn"