Post by Great Cthulhu Himself on Oct 22, 2012 12:10:18 GMT -5
So I re-upped my Netflix sub, and this titillatingly tantalizing title was recommended based on my preference for action movies. Clearly, Netflix considers me to have very low standards. It's right.
Here's the Wikipedia plot summary of this cheesefest:
This movie (Sep. 24 2010, $85,000 budget) wants to be Machete (Sep. 3rd 2010,$10.5 million budget) - lowbrow callback to the 80's exploitation films. What it gets is the result if Machete and a softcore porno had a baby, only for that baby to be abandoned at birth and promptly raised by the abusive couple of Troll 2 and The Room. The acting is atrocious. The dialogue features gems like "I'M GOING TO NAIL YOU HARDER THAN THEY NAILED JESUS TO THE CROSS'. The 'sex scenes' made me laugh too hard to fap. New sets are introduced with stylized block text across the screen, such as "A Motel In The Bad Part Of Town". Beware this movie and dare not let its disk cross your DVD player, but if you must, I have compiled a drinking game to enjoy, the only enjoyment you'll get:
THE NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS DRINKING GAME
A girl is naked on screen...........................1 sip
Lesbians make out....................................1 shot
Someone crosses themselves...................1 sip
...If it's a bad guy......................................1sip
You see a wrapped bag of coke................1sip
A bad guy gets shot in the head...............1sip
Chavos holds a gun to someone's head....2 sips
Someone dials a 1950's rotary phone.......2sips
Kickstand rapes a woman.........................2 sips
Someone shoots up drugs........................2 sips
Sarah loads a gun.....................................2 sips
A topless stripper is dancing.....................3 sips
Someone is counting hundred-dollar bills..3 sips
A bad guy gets his dick shot off and holds it up in front of the camera like he's just discovered the Holy Grail.....................Chug straight from the bottle for as long as the severed organ in question is on screen.
Final verdict: Sqrt(-1)/0 squamous tentacles up.
Here's the Wikipedia plot summary of this cheesefest:
A nun, Sister Sarah, is neglected and abused by a corrupted clergy. On the verge of death after being heavily drugged and wounded the nun receives a commandment from God to take revenge against those who have sinned. After acquiring heavy weaponry, the nun seeks to kill those who had previously abused her. In response, the church hires the "Los Muertos" motorcycle gang to track her down and kill her.
This movie (Sep. 24 2010, $85,000 budget) wants to be Machete (Sep. 3rd 2010,$10.5 million budget) - lowbrow callback to the 80's exploitation films. What it gets is the result if Machete and a softcore porno had a baby, only for that baby to be abandoned at birth and promptly raised by the abusive couple of Troll 2 and The Room. The acting is atrocious. The dialogue features gems like "I'M GOING TO NAIL YOU HARDER THAN THEY NAILED JESUS TO THE CROSS'. The 'sex scenes' made me laugh too hard to fap. New sets are introduced with stylized block text across the screen, such as "A Motel In The Bad Part Of Town". Beware this movie and dare not let its disk cross your DVD player, but if you must, I have compiled a drinking game to enjoy, the only enjoyment you'll get:
THE NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS DRINKING GAME
A girl is naked on screen...........................1 sip
Lesbians make out....................................1 shot
Someone crosses themselves...................1 sip
...If it's a bad guy......................................1sip
You see a wrapped bag of coke................1sip
A bad guy gets shot in the head...............1sip
Chavos holds a gun to someone's head....2 sips
Someone dials a 1950's rotary phone.......2sips
Kickstand rapes a woman.........................2 sips
Someone shoots up drugs........................2 sips
Sarah loads a gun.....................................2 sips
A topless stripper is dancing.....................3 sips
Someone is counting hundred-dollar bills..3 sips
A bad guy gets his dick shot off and holds it up in front of the camera like he's just discovered the Holy Grail.....................Chug straight from the bottle for as long as the severed organ in question is on screen.
Final verdict: Sqrt(-1)/0 squamous tentacles up.
